Are women not believed - or are our experiences just not that important?

Had to get this one off my chest.

That’s a question not only directed at men, by the way.

I remember when I was having trouble with some senior male execs at work (yes, I’m mentioning it *again* because it drove me to the brink of insanity and also - it is my story), I was advised by another woman to ‘keep my head down’. That advice could have potentially saved me from further bullying, but it would have turned me into a nodding dog who had no influence in her own career - let alone see me wave goodbye to my values. Would many men be happy with that kind of outlook?

Since speaking out and filing a complaint relating to the relentless gaslighting and bullying I endured at a time when my mental health was already rock bottom (maybe it was because my mental health was rock bottom that it happened?) I have been ignored by some former colleagues, made to feel like I was a trouble maker, felt like I was hiding a terrible secret when applying for new jobs and publicly insulted by a particularly nauseating former male colleague on LinkedIn for taking money when I was clearly inadequate at my job (I never told him anything about why I left and he has no experience in my field of work so clearly, one of bullies I complained about has broken their side of the NDA we signed). It’s exhausting.

But this story is not unique. In fact, these experiences are endemic.

When it comes to bullying in the workplace by men (tick), when it comes to sexual harassment in the workplace (tick - I was a 17 year old on work experience) and when it comes to sexual assault (tick - I was grabbed in the street on millennium night by a guy who insisted I give him a NY kiss) I have experience.

However, many women and girls have suffered much, much worse than I have, and I, like everyone else I know, has either experienced, witnessed or heard these stories first-hand from people we know, love and respect. And we’ve seen what these actions can do to people.

The outcomes, however, are usually weighted in favour of the bullies or attackers.

I never reported the guy in the street because I was drunk, high and walking alone. I’d surely be blamed and called stupid and irresponsible. ‘Asking for it’ is the phrase that springs to mind. Does that give him the right to rip my favourite top?

When I reported the guy in his 30s who told me he’d take me out and not to tell anyone when I was a 17 year old kid on work experience, I just got moved departments.

When I made a complaint about the men bullying me, I had to leave my job (that’s what happens when you complain about the men at the very top) and signed an NDA. Sure, I received some financial compensation from the company for having to leave my job (most of it went on mental healthcare and the gap between employment) and I got away from the bullies. But what happened to the bullies?

Nothing.

They remained in post. The company protected them and paid for their actions. They probably never thought about it again after blocking me on Twitter (I sometimes wondered if my follower count and numerous national media bylines could be a factor in me apparently upsetting my narcissistic boss. I mean, with men like that, they can be very easily upset).

Meanwhile, as they carried on, business as usual, my GP upped my medication and introduced beta blockers because of the state I was in. I was having to find excuses regarding the gap in my CV and, if you can’t already tell, yes, I am still seething with anger at the injustice of it.

And I am not alone. If you look at the Speak Out Revolution dashboard on their website you’ll find many, many stories of workplace bullying, sexual harassment and NDAs.

But this theme of not being believed, of being made to feel that you’re a trouble causer who’s out to get £££s isn’t confined to workplace issues.

When sexual assault and rape are reported women are often disbelieved. And when this involves a powerful man - especially a celebrity - women are often considered trouble makers or liars who are in it for the cash and the fame. And not just by men.

The protective shroud that bad men throw around each other in such instances is despicable and encourages repeat offending. Men carry out these actions, and, there are many women who, fearing the very real prospect of backlash, do simply ‘keep their heads down’. And due to the psychological impact that these acts of violence must surely have on them, I can’t blame them for staying quiet and suffering in silence.

But the worry is that, for those women who might be on the cusp of speaking out, they are seeing time and time again the media, keyboard warriors and, often, other women, calling them liars. So if we all stay silent, the abuse, harassment and bullying continues, and the men become more and more powerful, thus increasing the likelihood of these awful experiences and crimes happening to more women and girls.

If a man is powerful, he is in a better position to commit the offence in the first place. He might be narcissistic, believing he is entitled to treat women however he pleases. He might feel protected by power and money and therefore feel untouchable. But when a brave woman speaks out about men like this, sadly, these men do indeed pull all their power, their money and their horrible little mates together to go after her.

Look at Russell Brand. All those women must be lying because there’s another agenda at play - Russell brand’s political beliefs and investigations. So many people think that, just because they believe some of the same things that the accused does, because they can empathise with them on some level, the accusation couldn’t possibly be true.

I valued the addiction recovery work Brand used to do. But now we know more about his behaviour, thanks to the many, many women speaking out, it’s not something I want to shout about anymore. And I won’t.

There’s a line in a Tori Amos song about a break up - ‘I don’t believe you’re leaving cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream?’. Yeah, that would be ridiculous wouldn’t it.

But wouldn’t it also be ridiculous to think Manson’s not a bad guy just because he liked choc-chip ice cream and the Beatles?

The problem with some of these men who commit these awful crimes and bully people is that they often do have some redeeming features. It’s how they get away with it. They can often seem nice and fair to the people they are not abusing/bullying. They might vote for the same political party as you or like the same band or support the same charity. But so what? It doesn’t lessen the likelihood of them committing a crime or act against a woman and it doesn’t lessen the impact of that.

Bullies and rapists do not go around with a label stuck to their forehead.

We need to stop centring these men at the heart of women’s experiences. And other men, and women, need to be allies and stand with the women who make the accusations. Especially when they know those accusations to be fact. Why doesn’t this happen? Often, it’s because they’re scared of losing their jobs too.

Because this ongoing cycle of cover-ups and accusing women of lying and chasing money when they speak out about their experiences keeps violent, bad men in the positions at the very top.

And this week is perhaps the biggest more despicable example of that in modern history - as we welcome a convicted felon, racist and adjudicated rapist into the White House.

But that doesn’t matter does it, cos some guys in Pennsylvania want to stop foreigners moving in next door. So who cares, right?

I’m so tired of this shit.